I was recently looking up the definition of Political correctness, and most definitions appear to mean words or actions that may offend a disadvantaged group of people.

If that is the case then there are some politically CORRECT words that offend me.

For example if I was chairing a committee I would bitterly object to being called  a “Chair”.

What is the matter with Chairman, or chairwoman, or chairperson?

Apparently the word Fireman is politically incorrect these brave people have to be called Firefighters. I can see nothing wrong in calling them “Firemen” or “Firewomen”

A few years ago a friend made me laugh incredulously at what we both considered to be political correctness gone mad.

She had a Care home and had a visit from the Inspector from the local Council. During the visit she had to break off for a few minutes to see one of the Relatives of a Resident.

She said to the Inspector, “I’ll be back in a few minutes I just have to see one of the Reli’s.”

She was roundly told off by the Inspector and told it was disrespectful and politically incorrect!

Incidentally when this incident was related to the relative concerned she laughed her head off.

I saw an advert in a local newspaper  put in by the Fostering department of the council,

it read.

“Black foster parents required for black teenage girl”

I telephoned the council and objected, pointing out that surely what was needed was GOOD foster parents no matter what colour they were. Luckily they agreed that the advert was racist and changed it.

It would appear that what is needed by many people who think all this up is a large dollop of common sense.

Sadly women, in their desire for equality sometimes do themselves a great dis service.

A friend of mine who worked in a mixed office stood back and opened the door for a senior female colleague. |Instead of thanking him, she  told him, in no uncertain terms, that she was quite capable of opening her own door.   Needless to say this Chap never opened a door for a woman again

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Last year I was driving down a lane and saw a young woman standing beside her car which had broken down and she was very upset. I stopped to ask her if I could help and she was very grateful and told me that lots of cars had gone by with men in them, and not one had stopped.

I suppose this could be put down to women wanting equality.

I don’ t want too much equality. I want a gentleman to open a door for me, stand up and offer me a seat on a bus, walk on the outside of the pavement , carry heavy parcels and generally behave like, a Gentleman.

I  am sure these expectations show my age, but as far as I am concerned the sooner we start using a bit of common sense, the better.

One of the most ridiculous things I have heard recently is renaming a black board a chalkboard.

I hate racism or prejudice of any kind, but  these ridiculous changes really infuriate me and I am quite sure sensible people of all colours and creeds would agree.

In this brave new world of twenty first century Britain, our old beliefs of the class system need to be redefined.

As far as I can make out there are three classes in Britain. At the top of the heap is the working class, and by that I mean those who are working in full time employment and keeping themselves and their families.

Then comes the non working class, those who either by choice or  circumstances do not work, and that of course  could mean retired people or those who do not want to work.

Last, but in our brave new world by no means least ,are the Capitalists, those who make their money work for them.

Of course there are those who still believe in the old class system, working class, middle class and aristocrats. If you believe in this system, her are a few pointers which might help you decide which class you are in.

• You always blow dry your own hair
• you never eat tinned soup.
• Never shows the label on designer clothes, (Particularly if it is by Victoria Beckham)
• Always take your bra off using two hands,(Preferably someone else’s).
• never shops at Tesco
• Call domestic help Staff, even if it is only a cleaner once a week.
• Never wear matching underwear
• never have dinner parties, just supper in the kitchen
• never bring up your own children
• Do not believe in clean houses
• never trust your husband,(or anyone else’s)
• Always have the ugliest dog available
• Usually chooses men who are wimps.
• Can arrange flowers but cannot cook spaghetti, in fact cannot cook.,(Which indicates that half the population of the country are in this class),

Or the next class.

• Goes to the Hairdresser once a week.
• Has an amazing kitchen but only uses the microwave.
• Calls the children Mercedes or Kai.
• Goes without food to buy a designer handbag.
• Always wears matching underwear.
• Buys wine from Tesco.
• Only reads O.K. Or Hello
• Thinks Radio 4 is the name of a Pop group
• Takes her children everywhere.
• Has girlie weekends away.
• Dresses her children in matching outfits.
• Does not trust her husband(or anyone else’s)
• Has a Pedigree dog which tones with the colour of the house interior.

• Shops at the local chippy or Kentucky fried chicken
• Washes her own hair. The hairdryer is lost, so cannot be blow dried.
• Thinks the Daily Mail is for intellectuals.
• Buys her clothes from the Oxfam shop.
• Buys Blossom Hill wine for special occasions
• Thinks politics are stupid.
• Calls the children some awful names. Especially first thing in the morning.
• Has a very ugly dog.
• Watches a lot of daytime TV.
• Does not believe in doing much housework.
• Only has a take away four times a week
• Does not believe in wholemeal bread, has never tasted it.
• Does not trust husbands, she hasn’t got one.

Or perhaps you could think of a better list?

Advice for anyone in a relationship

(Especially those over eighty)

Women’s magazines regularly run features with titles  such as How to keep Your Man, but they always appear to be targeted at young women.

As we are told that eighty is the new sixty, here is some advice for the new sixties who might have just got their man,(off the internet of course),

If you are not looking your best, lose his glasses.

Make sure his pension is paid straight into the bank, you do not want him down at the Post office every week with all those loose women about.

Never ask him to bend down to get anything out of the oven. He may never get up again.

If he suggests an early night say  yes and send him up to bed while you stay downstairs and watch your favourite TV programme.

Always be nice to his friends, you may need one of them if he goes before you.

Never give him food that is too hard to chew, especially al dente carrots.

If you eat after seven ensure you give him a packet of Rennies. You do not want to be kept awake all night. By indigestion.

Only throw his old clothes away when he is distracted, preferably by a raunchy film on the TV.

Do not give him too many painkillers to ease his arthritis, his blue badge comes in very handy, especially when you go to the hairdressers.

Finally keep him away from anything dangerous, especially younger women.

And here is some advice to the men on How To keep Your Woman.

Always tell her she looks good, even if you think she looks as if she has been dragged through a hedge backwards.

Never compliment the old lady next door on how young she looks, especially if she is five years older than your lady.

If she asks you to get her a drink, do not ask “Tea or coffee?” Say “Red or white?”

Always be nice to her friends, you may need one of them if she goes first.

Never say, “you could do with a walking stick” as she struggles, gasping up the stairs, just say

“I’ve always fancied a bungalow.”

never suggest a holiday in a coach, all inclusive, with a tour guide and a megaphone.

Do suggest a week in a five star in Marbella.

Never criticise her cooking, even if she gives you burnt toast and cold baked beans.

Just say, “You work so hard, I think, at our age, we should eat out more.”

And talking of eating out do not take her for a Pensioners special in a fourth rate cafe  where you get

frozen  fish frozen chips and frozen peas for £3.99.

Take her to a more up market restaurant and only have a starter.

And finally be protective and keep her away from anything dangerous, especially men with bigger wallets than yours.

Why are we all so unhealthy

 I am really puzzled.

There are so many programmes on the television ,both day and night all about cooking.

Chefs from Mary Berry to Jamie Oliver show us all how to whizz up healthy meals in the time it takes to shop for a ready meal and put it in the microwave. Ping cookery I call it.

 All this television cookery is great entertainment, but that, it would appear is all it is. Entertainment.

When you have ten minutes to spare just take yourself off to a supermarket, any one will do, and watch what customers put in their trolleys. Now that really IS entertainment. Junk food by the trolley load. Pre packed vegetables, ready meals, cakes, biscuits, sweets, tinned and packaged pre prepared meals high in sugar and salt. And then take a look at those pushing the trolleys.

What percentage of them are thin? Not many.

Now, we are told the Health Service is going to run a trial and pay for personal trainers and dieticians to show people how to get healthy. They cannot afford to pay for meningitis vaccine for children over a certain age., but they can pay for those who are unhealthy mainly because of their chosen lifestyle .

A few months ago I had to attend a physiotherapy session at an NHS hospital. The Physiotherapist was a very slim, fit looking man, but the same cannot be said for the Nurse who was in attendance at the Clinic. She was so fat she could barely walk, she waddled and looked as if she would have a heart attack at any moment.

After the physio session he asked me if I had any questions. I did.

I asked him why so many of the Nurses that I saw on duty were overweight. Trying to contain a smile he replied,

“It is because they work such unsocial hours and they tend to snack, and of course grateful patients give them chocolates”

So now we know.

Of course I am sure there are those who are fat because they have some physical disorder, but many are fat because they eat too much of the wrong kind of junk. The late food critic Michael Winner once said he was asked to write a diet book, he said he could do it in two words. Eat less.

 I saw a TV programme last year about those who were too fat to get out of bed and who had to have a special hoist to get them into an ambulance to take them to hospital.

I would love to know, if they are too fat to get out of bed, who brings the food to them.?

It really is a puzzle.

 Oh well if the NHS is going to pay for personal trainers at least it will keep the gyms busy.

I sometimes play a game called If I was in charge. I think if I was there would be riots.

Everyone who came into a supermarket would have to stand on a weighbridge and those over a certain weight would only be allowed to buy in certain aisles, where all the food was healthy.

Better still put punitive taxes on all junk food not just sugar in fizzy drinks. That way the supermarkets and food producers might start acting in a more responsible manner.