Advice for anyone in a relationship

(Especially those over eighty)

 

Women’s magazines regularly run features with titles  such as How to keep Your Man, but they always appear to be targeted at young women.

As we are told that eighty is the new sixty, here is some advice for the new sixties who might have just got their man,(off the internet of course),

If you are not looking your best, lose his glasses.

Make sure his pension is paid straight into the bank, you do not want him down at the Post office every week with all those loose women about.

Never ask him to bend down to get anything out of the oven. He may never get up again.

If he suggests an early night say  yes and send him up to bed while you stay downstairs and watch your favourite TV programme.

Always be nice to his friends, you may need one of them if he goes before you.

Never give him food that is too hard to chew, especially al dente carrots.

If you eat after seven ensure you give him a packet of Rennies. You do not want to be kept awake all night. By indigestion.

Only throw his old clothes away when he is distracted, preferably by a raunchy film on the TV.

Do not give him too many painkillers to ease his arthritis, his blue badge comes in very handy, especially when you go to the hairdressers.

Finally keep him away from anything dangerous, especially younger women.

And here is some advice to the men on How To keep Your Woman.

Always tell her she looks good, even if you think she looks as if she has been dragged through a hedge backwards.

Never compliment the old lady next door on how young she looks, especially if she is five years older than your lady.

If she asks you to get her a drink, do not ask “Tea or coffee?” Say “Red or white?”

Always be nice to her friends, you may need one of them if she goes first.

Never say, “you could do with a walking stick” as she struggles, gasping up the stairs, just say

“I’ve always fancied a bungalow.”

never suggest a holiday in a coach, all inclusive, with a tour guide and a megaphone.

Do suggest a week in a five star in Marbella.

Never criticise her cooking, even if she gives you burnt toast and cold baked beans.

Just say, “You work so hard, I think, at our age, we should eat out more.”

And talking of eating out do not take her for a Pensioners special in a fourth rate cafe  where you get

frozen  fish frozen chips and frozen peas for £3.99.

Take her to a more up market restaurant and only have a starter.

And finally be protective and keep her away from anything dangerous, especially men with bigger wallets than yours.